There She Goes (My Beautiful World)
by PeppermintP4tty
Summary: Paige's coming out - that's it. Short. Complete. Title borrowed from Nick Cave.


**I've had this knocking around for ages and thought it was time to put it out there. I've always been intrigued by Paige's coming out & that whole phone call with her mom when she's talking to Emily made me wonder if her mom wasn't far more instrumental in the whole process. Also - Samara - no words - apart from 'worst counsellor ever'.**

Paige isn't sure how she's made it back home in one piece, how she's didn't wipe out for good this time, because she wants more than anything to wipe out, to just let it all go, for once and for all. Her mom's home though and it's all Paige can do to keep her voice steady as she comes in and makes her way upstairs. She just manages to shut her bedroom door before she slides onto the floor and sobs and sobs and sobs.

Finally she thought she and Emily had a chance. But Paige _knew_ when she turned up late at the fair and saw how Samara was looking at Emily. She knew that look, it's how Emily looked at Ali, how Emily looked at Maya and she knows it's the look on her own face every time she sees Emily. And Emily – all through the last two years, through Ali's bullying and Ali's torturing of her, through the times when Paige thought things couldn't get any worse, Emily has been the one thing that's kept her going. Those times during swim practice they'd joke about the competition. Those few times when Ali wasn't there and Paige could actually smile at Emily; sometimes in class or the school corridor actually talk to her. Not about anything important, but it didn't matter what was said, it just mattered that she existed in Emily's universe.

Paige had never considered that Emily would ever be the one to hurt her. Not like this. Not in such a cruel, exposing manner. She hadn't listened when Paige had tried to explain why she was late, she hadn't even wanted to. She hadn't even looked back at her when Paige walked away. It felt more than hurtful, it felt like a betrayal.

Emily had been the thing that had kept Paige from wiping herself out when Ali bullied her: the times when Emily said a nice word to her, laughed at one of her jokes, smiled when she caught her eye. Those times when Paige thought that maybe they could be friends – she never let herself think further than that until recently. She'd agreed to talk to Samara partly because Emily encouraged her but also because she wanted to. She needed to. She knew she couldn't go on like she was and if it meant that she had a shot with Emily, then of course she would. And so she'd made the appointment, and then her dad had come home in a foul mood and ordered her to clean out the pool and do a hundred other chores that kept her from the meeting.

A few minutes in, she hears a faint knocking at her door.

"Paige? Sweetheart, are you ok?"

Paige tries to hold in the sobbing, but her mom can hear her snuffling behind the door sounding like her heart is breaking.

"Paige, please. Open the door, I need to talk to you."

Paige stands up, rubs her eyes and opens the door, she dips her head hoping her mom can't see how upset she is. For the moment, her mom just takes her in her arms and holds her, gently rocking her, she kisses her head and whispers endearments. Paige cries into her mother's neck for a few moments, then gently pushes her away.

"Paige, what's the matter?"

Paige loves her mom, more than anything, but she doesn't want to disappoint her. She knows she's been distant for a while now, angry, and her mom is trying to keep hold of their relationship. But Paige can't cope with the feeling that she isn't good enough, that her mom, out of everyone will stop loving her. So she lies and she blocks her out and she builds more and more walls until she feels like she's standing at the top of a tower with no window and no way out. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and tries to turn away,

"Nothing. It's stupid. It doesn't matter."

"Paige, people don't cry like this over nothing." She waits a beat, takes a breath and makes a decision, "Is it Emily?"

Paige is horrified,

"N-no. What do you mean? Why would you _say _that?"

"Paige, please. Is it something to do with Emily?"

Paige doesn't know what to say, what she wants is to let her mom hold her whilst Paige tells her everything. Tells her how she feels about Emily, tells her how every time she sees Emily it's like the best and the worst things in her life collide. How when she's with Emily she feels good and strong, but when she's not, she feels weak, and dirty and alone, just how Ali made her feel. But she can't, not yet, she can barely say it to herself, let alone to anyone else. Certainly not to her mom, who loves her and who she couldn't stand to see look at her like she's someone different and not the girl she taught to ride a bike, or the girl she taught to swim, or the girl she used to sit on her knee and tell stories to of how good Paige was, and how brave and fearless she was; how she'd change the stories so that Paige was always the hero, who saved the girl and fought the dragon, or slew the troll. And she can't let her mom down. So she does what she's learnt to do to protect herself, she lashes out,

"God, what are you asking me? Why would you say that? You think I'm some kind of _dyke_ like _her?_"

"Paige." She can't bear to see the look of despair in her mom's eyes.

"No! No! Just leave me alone."

She pushes her mom away and it feels like the hardest thing she's ever done in her life. Harder even than watching Emily just turn away from her at the fair.

Her mom knows not to press it, so she turns and walks out of Paige's room, scared and frightened that she's pushed her too far. Paige slams the door shut on her.

**XXXXX**

Paige can't quite believe she was right about Emily, not until she actually sees for her own eyes Samara walking down the corridor of Rosewood High after their swim-meet, sees Emily's smile as she catches sight of her and Paige has to duck back into the changing room to close her eyes and fight for breath and swallow hard to stop from crying.

Emily and Samara don't seem to last long. But Maya comes back and Emily seems happy again. She never had any hope, not that they could be more to one another than friends, but she would very much like to be friends and she knows that things have to change for that to happen.

Since Ali's bullying, Paige has worked hard to push everyone away so that no one can get close and see what's inside her, see who and what she really is. But she's coming to understand that she's hurting herself more than Alison ever did – and she can't give her the satisfaction – can't let her win. What Emily gave her was forgiveness and compassion. What Emily did for her was make her see her own strength, her own heart, to recognise the things that her mom had given her. And what her mom said to her has been playing on her mind. What if she knows? What if she's guessed? What if she _could_ tell someone?

She makes the decision when she hears her dad say he's going to be away for the weekend on a conference. She's got to tell someone, she's can feel herself starting to slip away again and she scares herself. And surely it would be easier to just tell her mom without her dad being there.

Her mom is surprised when she asks if they can talk after dinner, but she smiles and wonders if Paige is finally going to tell her what she thinks she's known all along. They settle down in the living room, Ann giving Paige room, but sitting near her on the couch, within touching distance.

"Mom. When I was upset a couple of months ago, you asked if I was upset because of Emily. Wh-why? Why did you ask that?"

Ann McCullers sighs and takes off her glasses, she rubs her eyes, not wanting to get this wrong, but knowing she could so easily,

"Paige, I love you, I just want that to be clear." She sighs, "for a few years now, since you began on the swim team, you talk a lot about Emily. Your father and I thought it was lovely that you had a friend, but then it became clear that she was never really a _friend_. And then when we heard about Emily being gay." She smiles and shrugs,

Paige groans and looks away from her mom's kind gaze.

"Is that why dad went mad that day in school?"

"I guess. For him, it was difficult. It _is_ difficult. I don't think he really tries to think about it. But I do. And I'm just asking you, is all this, these past two years, the hiding and the anger, is it just to do with how you feel?"

Paige sighs, her head reeling, her heart pounding until she feels like there isn't quite enough oxygen in the room,

"Mom, just ask."

"Paige are you gay?"

And Paige sighs. Drops her head. There it is. She could say it, she could say 'yes' and the world will change, but at the moment her mom asks her she realises it'll still keep turning, she'll still be here. She remembers what Emily said to her once in her room, just before she kissed her. She feels her mom watching her, can feel her hold her breath for a moment,

"Paige, we love you. Whatever you say is not going to change that. Please just tell me."

Paige takes a deep breath, closes her eyes,

"Yes, yes. I-I'm gay."

Ann sighs, and Paige looks up at her, tears starting in her eyes, and Ann reaches forward and takes her daughter in her arms. She kisses her head and whispers into her hair,

"Thank you. I love you so much."

"Does dad know?"

"I think, deep down, he does. But I don't think it's going to be easy for him to accept once we tell him. But I'll help you. I'll be with you all the time. And he _will_ come round."

Paige sighs. It's ok. She's still here and her mom still loves her. And the world still turns, it's just shifted a little on its axis, but it's just a different view. Ann McCullers holds onto her daughter while she cries. When she feels her sobbing subside a little, she asks,

"So, did you and Emily break up?"

"What? Oh. Back then? No n-not really. We were never really together. But, I would like to be."

"I know."

"How? Why would you think we _were_ together."

Ann laughs lightly, the sound lightening the room,

"Because she's most of what you talk about."

Paige looks up, puzzled,

"No, she's not. I talk about other things."

"Paige most other things make you crazy, she's the one thing you talk about with compassion. Your voice, your whole body changes when you talk about her. And really, she's a very lovely girl."

Paige dips her head, blushing slightly,

"Yeah, she is. But, I think I've lost my chance with her now. She's with someone else and," Paige shrugs, "I guess I'm not who she wants."

"Maybe not now. But you never know. Perhaps you need to get to know her as a friend. Be in her life more so you have time to get to know one another. Maybe she isn't who you think she is? Or maybe this relationship she's in now won't last. Who knows? You're young. Maybe you need to find someone else who isn't her?"

So when she tells Emily that coming out was ok, and that there was some shouting at first, it was and there was. But her mom kept her promise and worked on her dad and kept reminding him of who Paige was and how she hasn't changed, how she's the same girl they loved and the same girl they raised to be the best person she could be.

**XXXXX**

Paige can't believe she's never actually told Emily this properly. Emily laughing, eyes sparkling as she gets to the end. Emily grabs Paige's hand and tugs her up off the couch,

"I'm gonna go thank your mom."

"Em, don't be a suck-up, my mom wants to swap me for you already."

"Well, then, it'll be a good birthday present for her."

Emily laughs again and drags Paige in for a kiss. Paige loops her arms around Emily's neck as Emily holds her tight around the waist,

"Although, technically, she's the one who told me to go for Shana."

"She did not."

"Well, not in so many words-"

"Not in _any_ words, Paige."

"She said there might be someone else?"

Emily huffs in response. She pushes a loose strand of hair away from Paige's face and tucks it behind her ear. Paige dips her head as she says quietly,

"Although, there never _has_ been anyone else. 'The real thing' remember?"

Emily smiles, bites her bottom lip, whispers,

"I'm glad you came out."

"I'm glad I came out."

Emily leans forward and kisses Paige, she deepens the kiss and pulls her closer, hands running over Paige's back. They both smile into the kiss as they hear a cough behind them. Breaking apart, Paige looks round to see her dad standing in the doorway. He smiles at them,

"Sorry to interrupt, girls, I just wanted to let you know we're about to have dinner."

"Ok, dad, we're coming now."

As they walk past into the next room, Nick quickly squeezes his daughter's arm and smiles at Emily and Paige smiles back at him, amazed.


End file.
